The Dangers of Playing With Bleach
by Soliloquium
Summary: Gintoki dies. And I suck at summaries. Rated T for language and dying scenes. Bleach/Gintama Crossover. Later possible pairings and multiple parodies. OOCness and many, many, many, many flaws. On haitus due to writing of other Bleach story.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Gintama nor Bleach. I think I'll actually use suffixes in this fanfic. Anyway, this is a bleach/gintama crossover brought to you by bored to heck and the editors, creators, and staff of Gintama and Bleach. I can guarantee that there would be little action in this fanfic, as proven by my other two stories. Formed in my sugar/music saturated brain while I was setting tables. Some OOC-ness and stupidity.

CHAPTER 1

…..................................................................................................................................................................

"Shinpachi, what day is it today?"

"Gin-san, it's Sunday. Can't you at least maintain the basics of a human being and remember what day it is?" Shinpachi refused to look up the magazine that read "Otsuu-chan wins Top Singer Award!"

"Time to complete Mission of the Day 0001: Buy Jump!" Gintoki stopped picking his nose and ran out of the door.

_That's the only thing he lives for isn't it. _Shinpachi thought as he continued to leaf through the magazine.

"Oi, kono-megane," Kagura emerged from the closet and yawned. "Where's Gin-chan?"

"YEEEESSSS!" Shinpachi got up and started punching the air. "GO, O-TSUU-CHAN!"

"Go clear your head and drown yourself at it, you disgusting otaku. That's why your name is Shinpachi, not Shinichi-aru," Kagura muttered as she climbed back into the closet.

….................................................

"Stupid, friggin' bookstores!" Gintoki shouted to no one in particular as he shuffled down the street. "Which hellhole of a town would run out of Jump on the same day it comes out? This is outrageous! It's the stupid ninjas again isn't it?"

"Hey don't diss ninjas, you stupid perm!" A teenager in an orange jumpsuit and spiky blond hair shouted from across the street.

"Shut up, you stupid idiot!" Gintoki shouted back. "You're in the most popular manga of our genre, yet there are more fan girls for Sasuke than you. You're the stupid one, stupid!" He then spotted a familiar-looking cover inside the window of a convenience store across the street.

"JUUUMMMPPP! It's STILL THERE! You stupid ninja, you're not getting it!" Gintoki started to run across the street.

BBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP! SCCCRRREEEEECCH! BAM!

….......................................................................

_Eh, has this happened before? Eh, why is it red again? Eh, am I going to be in a flashback soon? Eh, it's almost time for the four o' clock drama! I have to get the Jump now._

"Quit hanging onto the Jump! You're going to end up as a hollow if you keep thinking 'eh's, you know," A person in a black kimono and sporting orange hair said to him while shaking Gintoki.

"Stop, Ichigo!" A smaller figure wearing the same type of kimono said while kicking the orange head. "You'll kill him. But he's dead isn't he? Still,you'll kill him!"

"Let go- Kurosaki-san?"

"Sakata-san? Why are you here?"

"That's what I want to ask. Why are you in _my_ anime?"

"Aren't you in _Bleach_?" Ichigo and Rukia asked Gintoki at the same time.

"Today isn't Tuesday. And I think I saw Naruto-kun just now."

"Yamamoto-genryuusai ordered us to take you back to the Soul Society," Rukia said while keeping a serious face. "Your body is still down there though."

Down on the ground was Gintoki's body, covered in blood, right in front of a truck. "EHHHH? Oi, bored to heck! This isn't a joke! You seriously killed me! You killed me! I'm only in my twenties. I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIIIIEEEE!!!"

"The author's turning away," Ichigo said. "I think the longest you can stay here, Sakata-san, is until your funeral is over."

"LISTEN TO MEEE, you damn monster! You better revive me by the end of this fanfic, or I'll tell the stalker masochist kunoichi to kill you!"

…..................................................................

A/N: I can't guarantee that Gintoki will still be alive, but he'll be in the next chapter. Parodies will continue. Flame me, skin me, burn me alive, feed me to Sadaharu if you hate my guts. Up next: Gintoki's Funeral


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Gintama, Bleach, and whatever other parody characters that are abused by this fanfic, as their creators are already gods over them. OOCness and disaster will now continue in this fanfic, so if you have a feeling that it will be utterly distasteful or horrible in any way, please grab a nearby paper bag or hit the back button. This fanfic may contain spoilers to Gintama episodes. Pairings may start as soon as the next chapter.

Chapter 2

…...............................................................................................................................................................

As continued from the previous story, we now place a board saying "A Few Days Later..." in front of a nonexistent screen.

"SHE STILL DIDN'T F***ING REVIVE ME YET!" Gintoki screamed to no one in particular. We now see him sitting in midair while donning a stark white kimono and a headband with a triangle on the front (imagine Yusuke Urameshi right after he "died"). "And what's with the stupid narration. It won't make sense to a person who's at least 20% less crazier than you."

"Sakata-san," Rukia said while drinking a can of tea, in midair, "you've used the first word in this fanfiction that has to be censored. I congratulate you for breaking the difficult profanity barrier."

"Where did you get the tea, Kuchiki-san?" Gintoki turned to Rukia.

"I ran off to buy a sketch board to illustrate your situation to you, then I saw that the convenience store is having a 50% off sale on canned tea." Rukia took another sip. "But they only had "black tea". What's black tea? Is it the same as oolong? Do you have markers?"

" N-n-n-o-oooo," Gintoki's Jump-reading knowledge narrowly saved him from the terror of Rukia's pictures.

"Oh, I can use this piece of charcoal given by the author just now."

The bullet came back to hit him.

"We only have a few more minutes before his funeral, Rukia. Put the sketch pad away." Rukia glowered and quietly obeyed to Ichigo's suggestion.

"Sakata-san, let's go down to your shop."

….............................................................................................

In the Yorozuya...

An assembly of people who knew Gintoki had begun to sit down as the ceremony started. The twin priestess sisters started the funeral as soon as everyone had settled down.

Kagura and Shinpachi sat in the very front row, followed by the snack shop and Otae, part of the Shinsengumi, and finally miscellaneous characters like Kato Ken. Zura couldn't come into the actual building, so he sat on the roof.

_Vanilla-saruto de-vanilla amaii-_ Hijikata's phone suddenly rang in the middle of the ceremony.

"Hello? Matsudaira-dono? Yeah, I'm busy right now. I'll call back in about fifteen minutes. I'm sorry, sir. No, this guy isn't that important. No, I can't save your daughter from a weirdo right now-"

"Oi, you bastaardd," Gintoki muttered as he took a seat behind the vice-captain. "Show some respect, you stupid mayo-filled dumbass." Since Hijikata couldn't hear the dead, he continued to talk on his phone. Okita, who sat next to him, was reading a book titled _Sadism 101: How to Torture Your Friends in the Most Bloody Ways Imaginable._

"Hmmm," Sougo said silently so that no one but Gintoki could hear him. "I should try this on China and Hijikata as soon as I get out of here."

"Stop reading in funeral ceremonies, dammit! Is this a repeat of the Jimi's funeral? Is this another parody? Oi, Oogushi-kun, stop talking on your cellphone!" Gintoki said with an annoyed voice.

"Sakata-san, I don't mean to disrespect you, but why do you lack enthusiasm in everyday subjects, yet is so touchy in funerals?" Rukia asked after seeing Gintoki hyperventilate for a few minutes.

"I have no idea," Gintoki said after thinking for a second. He turned back to the front row, to Kagura and Shinpachi, who look as if they are going to boil over. Gintoki could've sworn he heard something pop.

"GIN-SAN/CHAN YOU BASTARD!!!" the 16-year-old otaku and the Yato clans member screamed all of a sudden.

"WHY, OF ALL DEATHS, DO YOU HAVE TO GET RUN OVER WHILE BUYING JUMP?!"

Shinpachi shouted at Gin's funeral photo, which showed him downing a parfait.

"DIDN'T WE TELL YOU THAT JUMP WOULD KILL YA, DAMN IT?" Kagura shoved Shinpachi's face onto the floor and proceeded to yell at the photo. "NOT ONLY DID YOU DIE BEFORE GETTING THE MAGAZINE, YOU HAD TO ANGER NAR**O TOO DIDN'T YOU? NOW SAS**E'S FILING A LAWSUIT AFTER NAR**O CAME CRYING TO HIM LIKE AN UKE!"

Gintoki decided to finally yell at the two that Nar**o was the one who started the short fight, but his voice was caught in his throat when he heard sniffling emitting from Kagura and Shinpachi.

"Why did you have to leave us alone?" Kagura said as wet marks began to appear on the tatami mat right beneath her face.

"You bastard, you didn't even bother saying good bye, didn't you?" Shinpachi said as he took a punch at Gintoki' s photo, at the same time while staring at the floor.

"WE' LL CHASE YOU TO HELL ONCE WE FIND YOU, YOU BASTARD, SO YOU BETTER REST IN PEACE FIRST SO WE CAN KNOCK YOU OUTTA YOUR NAP, DAMMIT!"

…....................................................................................................................................................

"Ah, Sakata-san, I have some information from Rukia for you," Ichigo said as he took a seat next to the gloomy Gintoki, who sat on a bench in the nearby park. "Otose-san 's getting the second floor reserved for your memory. Kagura is staying at the Shinsengumi household until the Umibouzu returns, and Shimura Shinpachi is going back to live with his sister."

Gintoki gave no reply or any form of response to this information.

"Sakata-san," Rukia walked over with three cans of tea, "Genryuusai- dono just informed me to tell you that you are just temporarily dead."

"What?" Gintoki and Ichigo said at the same time with a look of bewilderment on their faces.

_Wow, they act more alike than Renji and Hisagi-san. _Rukia thought as she cleared her throat. "Sakata Gintoki-san is to stay in the Soul Society for a few months. Since he has the most spiritual energy in the entire anime world except Bleach, even Nar**o, Mayuri-taicho proposed to study Sakata-san's biology and find the reason to his high level of spiritual power. Yamamoto-genryuusai complied to this proposal, and will send Hitsugaya-taicho to help us open the sekaimon."

"Why the midget?" Ichigo asked.

"Ichigo, he may be lesser in height, but at least he's smarter than you (for some reason, Ichigo didn't shout remarks on the comment)," Rukia said while calmly finishing the tea. " Hitsugaya-taicho is the only person in his squad who can function well, but since he is the only captain without a mission for now, he will guide us. You are following my use of terms, aren't you, Sakata-san, since you've read every chapter of Bleach until the most recent issue?"

"Just one question. How did you guys get into this time plane?"

"The TV Tokyo staff gave us a time machine," Ichigo said simply.

"WHAT? So after all this time, after all the pleas from me they receive for a time machine, they gave you guys a time machine?"

"Well, they only had two, and Sugita-san is using one to try to make the station better. We told them we need to break the fifth wall, so the staff gave one to us."

"So they had a history-changing time machine, yet they didn't bother to sell one to make the station more famous?"

"Well," Rukia said as she crunched the tea can in her fist, "they would have to submit where they found it, how they found it, and fill reports and stuff. The staff is already so busy, so they kept it a secret. Oh, the author decided to cut the story here."

"Why? So you aren't going to kill me off, right? Do I get a zanpakuto-"**The END**

…**...............................................................................................**

A/N: Ryoki Sugita is the publisher of The Nihon Keizai Shimbun Inc., which owns TV Tokyo (Wikipedia). Lots of possible loophole and OOCness in this chapter, and it is the longest I have written. Flame me, boil me, stir fry me all you want, or you can be nicer and just give me constructive criticism and maybe a rating. Lots of parodies in this chapter, but I don't own them. Hijikata's ringtone is the ending of ToraDora, Vanilla Salt. Sougo's book doesn't exist from what I've checked. Ginnoji really can see ghosts, or Stands, or whatever they're called.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Gintama, any soaps about mental hospitals, 24, Horatio Caine's sunglasses thing, Black Lagoon ripoff, and whatever else the last two scenarios came from.

Previously on DPB.......

_In a mental hospital_

Rukia: What do you mean "There's no more tea"? I know you people have a warehouse full of the shit!

Shrink: I'm sorry, Mr. Kurosaki, but your girlfriend is now an addict.

….................................

_Outside the Chrysler Building_.

Kon: There's a bomb in the building set to explode in three minutes!

Karin: I have to get in there to save Yachiru. Evacuate the rest of the civilians. If I don't make it...beat up Isshin for me. (Runs in the skyscraper in slow motion as she puts on sunglasses)

Kon: NNNOOOOOO! Come back!

….................................

_In Yoshiwara Underground_

Kagura: A little bird told me you sabotaged a U-boat of ours and killed your fellow comrades, Shinpachi.

Shinpachi: Forgive me, Ma'am.

Kagura: You were like a brother to me, Shimura, but your betrayal to Hotel Tokyo is unforgivable and dishonorable. Ane-go would be pissed if I dare to let you go. Zura, bring him a Beretta 92. The one in Sarutobi's "playroom" should be perfect for this occasion.

Katsura: It's Katsura, ma'am.

….....................................

_The SFPD Headquarters_

Okita: Lieutenant Stupid, Dumbass, Chain-smoking, I-hope-some-god-out-there-smites-you-like-I-prayed-for-every-night-for-the-last-five-years Mayora the fag sir, there's an anonymous call from the West Oakland Area.

Hijikata: What? Officer Sakata's dead? POP THE CHAMPAGNE, EVERYONE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO RED LOBSTER, MY TREAT!

…..........................................................................

_In a hotel room in Paris, five years later_

Ukitake: I have to tell you something.

Kondo:...Yes, boss?

Ukitake: (whisper) Gintoki's soul is alive and is currently being escorted into- AGH! (blood flows into his white dress shirt from his chest)

Kondo:BOSS!

_A rooftop a mile away_

Elizabeth: SIGN [Ukitake, you have spoken enough.] ** (**packs away its rifle and leaps away into the sunset.)

…...........................................................................................................

Onto the main story!

"I don't know if either of you noticed this, but I think my chain has become shorter and shorter in the time we've wandered around Edo. I believe this means my time is running out, based in my knowledge from reading Jump," Gintoki said as the trio sat in the park, drinking tea.

"There's a cool down time for the time machine, so we have to wait for a while. By the way, we're supposed to visit one more location of your choice before we're allowed to let you pass on so that you won't become accidentally chained while we time travel," Rukia said calmly. "So where would you like to go, Sakata-san?"

"Hmm, I suppose I can do one last thing before traveling to another dimension," Gintoki thought for a while. "Oh, right, there is one more place I can go to do something I can't do with a body."

…...................Shinsengumi Headquarters.....4:00 AM

"Hijikata-san," Okita said as he walked into his superior's room. "Hijikata-san, there's a letter for you." He handed the half-awake man an opened envelope. "I checked it for mayonnaise packets since your shrink told you to cut your addiction, or you'll turn morbidly obese."

"Shut up, Sougo, I don't even have a psychiatrist. Our benefit plan doesn't include that." Hijikata rubbed his eyes and glared blearily at the small words. "'Go to the garden'? What is this, a terrorist attack or a love letter."

"I doubt it's the latter, Hijikata-san. You've always have girls running away from you due to your habit of eating dogfood. The only woman you've ever attracted last year was that girl with the valley-girl speech pattern."

"Don't push your luck, Sougo, or I'll tell that monster of your girlfriend that you were afraid of the dark as a kid," Hijikata said angrily.

"Then I'll tell Danna's gravestone that you were afraid of the dark until you were twenty."

"Just shut up, you annoying brat. Now go back to sleep."

When Okita finally left, Hijikata slipped out with his sword and walked quietly into the garden. When he found that no one was there, he sat down on a rock and sighed.

"I knew it was a prank. I'm going to kill Sougo tomorrow for this."

_"Hijikata. Hijikata. Hijikata."_

The said man froze in sudden fear. "Sougo, what joke are you playing this time?"

_"This is Gin-san, you moron. Now shut up, I have two things to tell you."_

"Sakata? You're alive?"

_"Technically, and yes, this is Gin-san. Tell everyone that I'm not dead and that I'm in a faraway country. The doctors mixed up my body with another person's body, and for some reason, I'm currently in Germany. I have to fix up some paperwork so that I can come back to Edo. I can't say when, but I''ll be back soon."_

"But we saw your head nearly split open on the road!"

_"Body substitution? Anyway, tell everyone I'll be back soon. I'm speaking through telepathy, so I have to make it quick."_

"Wait, what's your second message?"

_"YOU WERE AFRAID OF THE DARK UNTIL YOU WERE TWENTY?! Hahahahhahahahaha."_

"Shut up! I'm going back to sleep," Hijikata grumbled.

…................................................................

"So we're ready to leave now, right?" Ichigo asked Rukia as they looked on as Hijikata and invisible Gintoki talked.

"Yep," Rukia said. "Hey, Ichigo, do you think it's right for us to do this to him? I mean, we're essentially treating him like a guinea pig, aren't we?"

"He died, and now he's given a second chance to come back alive, isn't he? So I guess this is fair."

"But, Ichigo, what if he becomes a hollow due to training?" Rukia asked quietly.

"Then we'll repent for the rest of our long, painful lives, Rukia."

…........................................................................

A/N: I'm seriously sorry for not updating for half a year. I guess I'm just too busy for half the time and lazy in the other half. I'll be leaving for Hong Kong soon and stay there for a month, but I'll still try to write as much as I can. As always, anyone who reads this can hit me with as many curse words or death threats as possible. (I won't blame you.) Otherwise, please review if you want to.

P.S. The whole recap


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